Being tired and hurting is not the same thing as injury. You are exhausted? Good. it isn’t SUPPOSED to feel good. I love a workout that leaves me in shambles, because it shows me my mental state. You find out how you really are when you are so tired you are limping. What thoughts run through your head. Are you making excuses for why you are tired? Or are you sucking it up?
I don’t care if you were good yesterday. Be better today.
And honey, let me tell you something. I also had to learn this the hard way. I understand that some people have genetic problems that hinder them form losing weight, or makes them gain weight faster, or slows down their metabolism etc. You aren’t the exception to the “i cannot get fit and lose weight.” You can. I don’t give a rats behind about your genetics and crap. It means you yourself need to put in more effort. Now, that doesn’t mean everyone can be a size 0 if they theoretically put in “enough effort.” But that does mean that you can put in enough effort that it takes to be the healthiest version of yourself. That may be a size 6 for some, a 2 for others, and a 10 for some. But genetics cannot be your excuse to hold you back. That’s bs.
May this offend some? Absolutely, but that doesn’t faze me. I am standing up for something I strongly believe in. So, if I make enemies because of this, then that is your call.
My mental state is not in a good state myself. I am a PRO at making excuses. But I finally recognize that. This isn’t about binging, purging, starving, losing weight, or eating. This is about gaining my life back, and sucking it up. I’m tired of hearing myself make excuses, and you should be sick of yourself making excuses as well.
You can be mentally broken, depressed, “fat,” upset, angry, tired, lost, or whatever it is you may feel; but you can also be happy, “skinny,” healthy, found, and pieced together. You control your mind. Your mind is the one thing people can never touch. Can they effect your mind? Sure, if you let them. Obviously this is easier said than done considering I have done a pretty poopy job of not letting people get inside my head. Hell, I get inside my own head. But the one thing I am just done with is making excuses. I would rather accept a failure than make an excuse for it.
I hope you can too.
I understand I havent been on much as of late, and as I explained before I really hit a hard patch in my life.
My depression has gotten increasingly worse, and it was time I took matters to a new level. I have been talking constantly with my mom and a good friend of mine to help me sort out this peaking self hate of my body and my entire being. This sadness has been in my mind for 4 years, and it is time I finally stood right in front of it and confronted it.
I had been doing some research about mindsets and my mind set very closely lines up with the mindset of someone going through anorexia and bulimia. I had to do something about this before I took action into these thoughts that constantly plague my mind.
So, I have made quite a few hard decisions in the past few weeks. Some of which will affect my blog.
1. I am no longer weighing myself. Weightloss is a grand idea of someone who wants to slim down and be the best they can be. But weightloss has become my success and pride measure of myself to the point of being ruled by that number. Therefore I have gotten rid of my scale entirely. If my clothes fit, I am happy.
2. I no longer calorie count to the extreme I did before. It is okay to eat some foods as long as it is clean, my body is okay with it, and I make sure I stay under 1700 calories a day (so rough estimates instead of down to the wire) this is more lenient and I am not frantic about eating.
3. I am working on self love and fitness. I want to become fit, but like i stated earlier exercise became my drug. my drug to stay happy. This wasn’t a lifestyle I could continue. Constantly burning myself out is not a life I can live. And living in the gym and being alone otherwise is terribly unhealthy.
4. I am ALWAYS a positive blog. I do not promote anything harmful against anyones body at any time.
I know these changes may affect some of you that are following me, and I apologize for that; but this is how it may stand. I am not going to start posting all of the things that plague my mind, because this isn’t what this journey is about. this is about me finding my self love, even if that means re wiring my entire brain.
I hope some of you won’t mind being by my side during this journey, and I will always be here to talk to anyone who needs it. This is really hard for me to confront this, and it will take some time.
Thank you for being a part of my blog everyday as I enjoy being a part of yours. I will continue posting on this blog as frequently as before and overall not much will change. Just an update.
Have a blessed day <3
As all of you may or may not know i suffered from depression a few years ago.
Well, as of lately it has really come back into my life. This blog is mine, yes, and i post what I want in it. BUT. This is a positive blog about my weightloss journey and to inspire and motivate anyone who is either struggling or just needs a booster.
I was not about to let my depression leak into this portion of my life, and effect anyone who reads or looks at my blog daily. I have started to see a therapist, and I am fighting to conquer this once again.
I am still trying to continue this journey head on, but for purposes of my depression i am not weighing myself for a while. Everytime i saw my weight it would trigger a lot of awful thoughts and moods, and I just need to focus on loving myself before a number.
My ankle is finally better so i am back on fitness (:
I just thought everyone should know why I suddenly wasnt on anymore.
Have a lovely day all of you <3
progress photos : january 2012
you know. I have always been ashamed of how curvy and thick my legs were. I always hated them. I cover them up in baggy pants and what not. Not to mention I hate my large butt and my lower stomach.
But not anymore ! These bad boys (legs) get me through the toughest workouts with jiu jitsu guys, and even win me tons of matches against guys who have 50 lbs on me.
My stomach and withstand extreme ab workouts and my ass can squat 115 pounds over 30 times.
Am I done? definitely not ! Am I proud? hell yeah.
I’m such a silly person when I have my webcam XD
and my favorite necklace my mommy gave me for christmas <3
When I reach my ugw, my esteemed confidence level, or even lose another 15-20 lbs, I will not change the way I act or dress really. I understand that people think that “clothes only look good on skinny” (which btw i disagree with), but I just don’t feel the need to show off what i earned in such a immodest way. What you wear is whatever you want, but clearly I don’t see a respectable woman who has her boobs hanging out and her butt flopping over her shorts. I want girls to see me as a role model when I go out in public. Someone they can be like “I want to be like her because she loves her body with a respect and still can get attention from guys.” not “Omg why cant I look like her i hate my body.” And even if I do get attention from guys, I don’t want the attention simply because I look “hot,” but because I am a likable person. Why do I want to be some guys object of a sex fantasy?
I just don’t want to put down the people in this world who are struggling through the same thing I am going through when I see a girl who is dressed like she is ready for sex. I don’t want people to feel like they have to look like everyone else to feel pretty. I’m not going to suddenly be different because I am smaller. I will be who I have always been, and dress the way I always have.
I just don’t understand why skinny = immodest all of a sudden. But I’ll live in my old fashioned ways. I’m content with my body in modest clothing. I have boobs. Everyone clearly knows I have boobs without them hanging out of my shirt. Thanks.
Hey, time for my first before and after !
The left photos are me from late 2008-early 2009. I was unhappy, very self conscious, and I honestly didn’t care.
The two right pictures are me from summer 2011 (bottom) and today (top right)
I actually weight 10 pounds MORE than I did back in 2008-2009, but I didn’t just gain pounds. I gained muscle, confidence, my own style, and most importantly I began to gain self love. I am definitely not done with my journey, and I will not stop until I’m finished; but in the mean time I will learn to love what I have been blessed with.
And thus I take one day at a time.
So. last night was the homecoming dance at my school (i know, late), and I was kind of nervous about going. Of all the dances I’ve been to I have felt out of place, fat, self conscious, and nothing someone would desire to even dance with. Well, last night i was damn determined to finally make this dance a good one. I almost skipped out (even though I had already bought my ticket), but my friend told me I WAS coming whether I liked it or not.
So I picked out a dress (looks kinda like this one)
except the ruffles at the bottom were silver, and they were like material ruffles not the tu-tu ruffles. and it also had a big zipper in the back :3
It was super short, so I wore tights with it that had an argyle type pattern to it and ballet flats.
ANYHOO. I was bound and determined to look cute for this dance, and I have never grinded with anyone or really slow danced with some guy that I found super duper attractive. I was freaking out.
Long story short, I danced my butt off for 3 hours, slow danced with two REEAAALLLY cute guys, and even got in the middle of the mayhem and danced with all of the “hot” gals and guys.
I didn’t even grind with any guys, because I did not feel the need to. I had fun without disrespecting my body, and it was the best. dance. ever. After I slow danced with one of the guys (he’s in my 3rd period english class :3) I told him “Thanks for slow dancing with me (:” and his response “No, thank YOU for slow dancing with me.” qlkdfjalkgjs.
Why was this dance different than the others?
I came with the intention of having fun and not caring about getting any guys. I also decided to love my body and all of its curves and stretch mark glory. And you know what? People said I looked gorgeous just the way I was.
So, in the end, it was one of the best nights I’ve had in a very very long time. And come tuesday when I go back to school. I plan on eating lunch with one of the guys I slow-danced with to try and become better friends with him.
Love your body, because when you do, so will everybody else.
hey guys ! it’s time for montage of my face time !
this is a time where i make a montage of my face because i am having a good hair day and i darn well feel like it !
I think it’s time I put something out in the air. I am a healthy, positive, weight-loss blog. I want to become fit, strong, and slim down (not necessarily SKINNY, but if it is obtainable I’d like that). But my weakness is over work. I constantly battle with wanting to prove to myself that I AM strong and I AM capable of doing whatever it is I want to do. I constantly battle with not feeling good enough, and every day I battle with breaking down those negative habits I used to carry with me, and see myself as someone I really am.
I have a super good week, and then I’ll have a very negative week when those emotions creep back up on me. I guess it’s always been a struggle for me to keep a positive attitude about myself. I think THIS is exactly what hinders my weight loss is that I get so down on myself I don’t think about my food choices and what I am doing to myself when I don’t control my attitude towards myself.
I don’t like talking to people when I am down because I NEVER want to hinder someone from their own journey with my negativity because that is not fair to bring them down into my pity party because that is what I am having a pity party (holy run on sentence batman). I feel the need to type this out, because I want people to understand that it’s hard to stay strong during this lifestyle.
I’ve gotten comments about when I am sad how they dislike my negativity and want me to get over this and get back to being positive. I understand that being negative is contagious to others and I apologized for being sad, but I just want people to understand WHY I have these fits of depression. It’s something I will have to battle my entire life, because I came out of some bad choices that I constantly lived with and thought was normal.
My journey is SO much deeper than just “getting fit” or “losing weight” or “getting skinny for 2012 summer” or what not. This is why this is so important to me, and why I work so incredibly hard and why I push myself past my limits sometimes and over work. This is also the reason I constantly set myself back, and gain back the weight I lost because it is so hard to feel alone and sad when you have let yourself down.
I don’t talk to people about my problems because I don’t feel like they understand. I’ve had people call me flat out crazy because I ran 15 miles or I biked 30 or I am not eating chocolate for 30 days or soemthing like that. It’s so deep and so rooted into my soul why this is SO important to me, because only a select few even know how much I went through in my mind.
I know I can do this, and I fight this every single day of my life, and I WILL win; I just needed to write this down because this is the only way I get out what is bubbling inside of me. All of this to say, I know I am strong, but sometimes I need help as well. Sometimes I will be sad and hurt. Someone being positive all the time is hard, but I always try to smile even when things are hurting inside.
For the sake of not burdening other I will smile and help them. It is just how I am wired. I dont know why I cannot see myself as others see me, but I am trying. I am trying with everything I have.
Okay, sorry for the EXTREMELY LONG RANT. Continue scrolling.
I hope I am a positive influence in your life, and everyone who stumbles across my blog. I want more than anything to see people reach their goals even if I don’t reach mine as quickly as they do. I love seeing people smile, so this is my “resolution” to all of you.
Stay healthy , stay beautiful, never give up, smile more, and love yourself <3
and… I love you all !<3 (: