I’m just. so distraught. I think i understand everything. It’s not just a weight loss battle for me. This battle is about self worth. I feel if i dont lose this weight and prove to myself i can be what i consider fit and skinny then im not good enough. I feel like i let myself down when i over eat. I dont feel like im good enough to be a girlfriend, or a future wife, or a good enough daughter, or friend, or mentor, or motivator. I just dont feel good enough.
I dont want to feel sad and this way, and the only way i feel i can break this curse of my mind is if i can prove to myself I can FINALLY do something i have always wanted. I just want to accept myself as someone worth it. someone beautiful. someone meaningful. im tired of being tempted to just resort to unhealthy manors of losing weight.
I just dont have the willpower. I want to change and be powerful, and i want to over come this hole ive gotten my own self into. Im just going without a plan, and right now. im losing.
If i could ask for anyone who feels comfortable to pray for me, and anyone who does not do such a thing, wish me the best of luck to break free of this. I want to feel happy. Im tired of trying to be perfect. I want to be me. Im just so sad. I have to go home and face my dad who i cant even look at without crying and feeling so ashamed of myself. Im so scared. im so afraid. i dont want to go to school tomorrow. I want to hide. i need courage. i need a plan.
tomorrow im starting clean onmy weightloss journey. im just so afraid of failing yet again. now im ranting and dont even know what else to type. im sorry for this long rant on my blog. forgive me. goodnight.
i worked my BUTT off last week and lost about a pound and a half in a few days and then i hung out with my friend and totally had a pig out weekend. she has been really upset lately so she was comfort eating and she dragged me into it as well :( i feel like such a fatty. i probably gained all the weight back i worked so hard to lose last week. im really a true failure.